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Question by : My wife refuses to quit smoking, DIVORCE or alternatives?
Hello, I’m from China and am new here. For many reasons(privacy…) that I chose to put my question here.
My story is a bit long but I want to hear any suggestion, and I thank you for your time.
Backgrounds first. I’m 32 and my wife 33, we had our 6th marriage anniversary last month. We don’t have a child, and has been planning one since 15 months ago.
Before marriage, I’m NOT aware that she’s a smoker with 16 years history, at least 2-4 cigarettes daily(as I know). We spent long time together and travel to know each, but she covered it, otherwise, the marriage is on a shaken ground. Because I feel cigarettes is disgust, and I physiologically feel very sick when I smell it(she knew it).
6 months after we married, I suspect she is a smoker(found by accident). I didn’t pay attention untill 9 months later I caught her smoking at home. I was angry, disappointed, and nagged her to quit, she agreed. And I found it’s an endless war.
Kept finding smells from her mouth, hands, hair, and clothes. I caught her smoking on birthday of my 30, ruined it. 2008, she got caught by airport security that hiding a lighter in luggage, That day I’ll remember my whole life, and vacation ruined.
15 months ago, we decided to have a child. She agreed she will stop smoking immediately and until after the birth of the child, she appeared to be very positive and decided. And then I found it’s a lie as always.
No doubt I lost all affections immediately I smell breath from her lung and see the yellow collor on the innerside of her teeths. I simply lost interest.
I begin to avoid the truth and think that some miracles may come. Meantime, I’m getting more suspicious. We had a talk, I required her to take treatment(nagged her many times) OR I want a DIVORCE, and she agreed to take treatment, and we went to hospital to take some evaluations and advises. She insisted that she can control herself as she’s a light smoker, and of course in China, a light smoker doesn’t get attention from doctor. That day after, her strategy changed. she smokes in fire passage before go to work, or other go-outs, she takes every opportunity to get her “happiness” in fire passage.
But I know that, because one day I searched her bag and found she still carries cigarettes and lighter(Yes, I feel guilty for that). Then I began to follow her(I’m self-employed since 2010) to fire passage to count how many she smoked, and for 2 weeks, I collected those butts(she smokes same brand only popular in her city) though I don’t know what for. And I wrote down how many butts I saw in my diary.
I quickly stopped doing so, because it’s ill. But I’m deeply depressed and anxiety, and can’t focus on things. It’s getting worse recently, and DIVORCE once again emerged into my mind, and this time is real.
I know it’s addictive, I just can’t believe someone willing to risk damage her own health, her marriage and her whole life. I fulfilled every promise I made and all obligations I swore by my marriage oath, and she simply don’t want to quit smoking for our love and our child, not even a try.
I’m not implying I’m the only contributor of the family. But I did so many for her, in all ways. Braced the financial impact when she got 10% salary-cut during 2008, and supported her MBA programme(cost more than 2 years her after-tax incomes) in the same year. In comparison, I delayed my MBA plan for cost reason since 2005 while my career future is very promising and continuously progressing.
I planned every detail of a 2-weeks vacation during 2008 particularly for her parents, and carried it out, because she thought it’s a way to thank her parents, and I promised earlier.
In 2009, we bought our own apartment, with beautiful view in downtown(worth 350,000 USD, mainly depends on my incomes and investments). You know it’s not easy, and think about do it in China.
In 2010, take her parents to live with us for 2 months to show gratefulness to them again, which I promised before.(Surely it’s not convenient)
Except the smoking and her 6 years lies, I still feel very close to her, we share similar oppinions toward many things, I precious moments spent with her. BUT now I feel I’m a TOTAL LOSER, and she manipulates me.
And the rationality and my knowledge told me, smoking is addictive as Heroin, and this war fought for 6 years WILL last for another 6 years and possibly more. I see there is NO future.
You may say try the medicines. I know nicotine patches, gums, and Chantix very well, because I call the hotlines, but it won’t take effect if she don’t try it. And I don’t want to nagged her anymore, it’s her personal decision.
I want my life back, normal one. But unlike investment that you can cut the loss. It’s real life, it’s difficult. And I fear that my emotion blind me from other alternatives that can bring so
Polly, I’m not sure why you feel that way, would you elaborate a bit more? What part of my story makes you feel I’m a weirdo? I will find help if I see I need.
It’s completely not about finance, and smoking in China cost very few money compare to our income, government don’t pull a heavy tax on it, and that’s why we have the largest smoking population. And the government earns from it, they like you to smoke, it creates jobs and government officials smokes in public.
Her brother smokes 1-2 packs daily, and got some heart issue last year at 37 years old. However it didn’t stop her killing herself.
And I once accepted the fact she smokes, all I ask is to stop for a while for the child, and she can smokes after that freely just not before me and child at home. And I know it’s purely gene and probability to get nicotine hit something. But this is about constant lies and no more trust in marriage.
And, VoiceOfCommenSense, live your robust and healthy life, and you verbal attacked me. I cannot rate, but I give you a Thumb down!
Best answer:
Answer by polly
okaaay, firstly smoking is as addictive as heroin, and simply you saying you dont like it isnt going to change the way her body craves it.
now, apart from all that…is it really that bad that its taking over your life and you are obsessing about it. To be honest , you sound a bit like a weirdo to me , and think you may need to seek some help !!
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